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Improviser Lauren Jordan, author name LAUX, sits down with podcast hosts Puss and Kooch to talk about her new book, To All the Places I’ve Had Sex Before, traveling book clubs, and why we should all be in therapy.
Lauren Jordan on Heavy Flo with Puss and Kooch
Lauren Jordan is a black woman. She’s a native Detroiter. She’s sex-positive. And she’s the first-time author of To All the Places I’ve Had Sex Before, on presale right now.
Lauren took the DC improv comedy scene by storm last year. We interviewed her FIST team (now an indie group) I Don’t Know Her on one of our first FIST 2019 recap episodes. She was previously on WIT Harold team Hudson.
Her energy is so original, and it makes her one of the most exciting people in the DC improv community. We’re so thrilled to have her here today to kick off season two of Heavy Flo.
The following interview has been edited for length and clarity. To hear everything Lauren has to say, listen to her podcast episode.
The origin story of To All The Places I’ve Had Sex Before
I’m a part of a traveling book club called It’s Lit, which is made up of me and three of my really good friends. One of those friends is Precious Jenkins, who’s also on I Don’t Know Her. Two of us live in DC, and two live in New York, so we would go back and forth to see each other. One time we decided to go to Philly, and while we were in Philly, we went to a bookstore and decided to start a book club. It’s been a joy ever since.
We’re kind of on hiatus right now because of quarantine, but we’ve been to California, Louisiana, and a few other places that are escaping me right now. It’s fun to be able to do two of the things that I really enjoy, traveling and reading, together with a really good group of friends.
At one point we’d read Roxane Gay’s Hunger, and the tagline of that book is “a memoir of my body.” So we all decided to write memoirs of our own bodies, kind of like a homework assignment. Mine ended up being about sex.
I wrote 500 words for the assignment and then I realized I had a lot more to say about it. So I just kept on writing, and I kept on writing, and I kept on writing. Eventually, it became a really big project. And now it’s a book—somehow, some way. I’m finishing up the editing right now, and my beta readers will be reading it soon.
Turning a homework assignment into a book
What really helped me to formalize my piece was participating in a program called Creator Institute. It helps first-time writers get from a place of, “I don’t know, maybe I want to write a book,” to, “Oh my God, I have a book!”
The man who created the program is a business professor at Georgetown, so most people are writing about social entrepreneurship or more technical topics. But I was like, “You know what? I’ve been writing this thing about sex, and I think it would be a really good book.” So I decided to join.
What was one of the biggest aha moments from developing your project from what you’d into an actual book?
I think a lot of the things I’ve learned have been more about marketing and how people actually promote their books. But when it comes to the writing, it was about avoiding letting all my thoughts fall on the page. I like to think a lot, so I write a lot. My train of thought can go from here to there, to here to there, really quickly. So for me, the learning process was about getting organized.
I also had to think about other people actually reading what I’m writing, which is very odd for me, at least in this format. I do a lot of academic writing, and I’ve written plays. But I’d never done this sort of memoir-esque, narrative, personal essay before. So really learning about how to structure my writing and how to make sure there’s a why behind everything that I’m saying rather than just talking shit for my own sake was a very important learning moment for me.
Keeping all the dirty details straight
The stories featured in the book are some of my funniest or most outlandish stories, ones where I’ve learned the most. But I haven’t kept track of all the people or places where I’ve had sex with a spreadsheet or anything like that.
This whole process has been interesting because I interviewed people. I started with friends and really got to understand more about how people learned about sex in life and love and their own experiences with it.
I also wanted to get the perspectives of some of the men featured in my stories. Some of these people I’m still friends with or cordial with or see every once in a while. But some of the people, it was really just an out of the blue call. Like, “Hey, you remember that one time four years ago? I’m writing about it.”
There were several moments of dissonance, of, “No, that’s not what happened,” or, “Is that what happened?” I have a terrible memory, so I needed these interviews from friends and others just to make sure I was being true to myself and the story.
Interviewing friends and some of these men was really, really therapeutic in a way. I think this whole process has been very therapeutic because I’ve gotten to talk about things that we don’t normally talk about in depth with a lot of different people. And I think, through that, I realized just how much we don’t talk about sex and how much some people really do need to talk about it, including me.
How identifiable are people in the book?
If you were in the book, you’d know. But I read an interview with the woman who “Hey, There, Delilah” was about, and she mentioned that the song just wouldn’t go away. That song was so popular, and she just couldn’t escape it, no matter how hard she tried. That feels abusive to me.
That’s part of the reason why I’m writing under a pseudonym, as well. People who are in my inner circle will know they’re in the book because I’ve talked about it with them. But everyone has a fake name, and none of the guys are named. Everyone’s a number, not a name.
I’m trying to respect people and still tell my story.
Were there any recurring themes that came up as you were interviewing?
One of them is that we all should be in therapy. We should all be going to therapy, all taking care of our own mental and emotional health and well-being. And a lot of us are not. I really wish we were.
There’s also a lot of sexual assault that people have not had space to talk about or process or even name. I thought that was really difficult. I think a lot of the recurring themes are not fun things to talk about.
That’s part of why I think this whole thing seemed very like a very therapeutic process. Because being able to name something and being able to communicate about it is a really important step in your healing.
People don’t realize how real some of these things are for them because they don’t have words for them. That is a huge part of healing.
I’m thinking back to childhood and the idea of, “Oh, well, if you have anal, you’re not really having sex. So you can just do that.” All those little rumors. I think one of my goals with this book is really to redefine what the erotic means for me or what my sexual liberation means for me. I think it’s being able to identify and say, “This is sex. This is not sex.”
There’s going to be a glossary in my book, so I’m into defining things. I reference other people’s definitions, but I choose the definitions I want to use myself.
I think it’s really important that we start talking about sex in a more healthy way. For me, authenticity is very important, and being able to be my full self and share that with others is very important. I felt like the sex conversation was just one of the really big obstacles to me being able to fully own myself for me and also share that with others publicly. So just being able to do that has been really important and very therapeutic.
Dealing with imposter syndrome even when you’re indisputably a total badass
There is a lot of judgment involved in my book writing process. Just last week, I was going through it. I was having a mental health moment. I was experiencing a lot of imposter syndrome.
“Am I good enough?” is the question I always go back to. I think that’s common for a lot of people. But I got so much good advice after telling people that’s what I was going through. I think the most important thing for me is remembering that people are going to judge me regardless. I’m going to judge myself regardless.
I’m always going to have high expectations for myself. And that’s okay. But when it comes to a place where it’s debilitating, it’s not healthy. If it’s holding me back from doing something that I want to do, then I’m not being true to me. I’m human, and that’s okay. I’m never going to be perfect. No book is ever going to be perfect.
I’ll look back on a lot of the writing projects I’ve done before and will think they’re absolute garbage. I can’t believe I wrote them. And I know eventually I’ll probably feel that way about this project, too. But I am excited about it. Writing it makes me happy. Talking about it is very empowering.
The next steps in LAUX’s book journey
Currently we’re at war on the Indiegogo fundraiser. We’re at about $3,000 of the $4,000 we want to raise. I’m also going to be doing some content creation, some blog writing, for a platform called Publicly Sexy, which is a space for black women to talk about sexual health. I’m excited about that.
I think this process has been a lot for me in terms of learning. I’ve learned a lot about myself but also a lot about sexual health and well-being. I’ll be taking some of that learning and sharing it with others while also finding ways to continue to educate myself. I’ll also be taking myself to therapy because we all need it. So that’s coming up.
The book will be released in late July or early August 2020. I have a friend who’s helping me plan a book tour, so we could be coming into a city near you if traveling is feasible. But the book is coming out this summer, regardless of coronavirus.
Mental and sexual health tips Lauren Jordan wants to leave you with
Be good to yourselves. We’re in quarantine. It’s hard. If you want to online date, if you want to watch DC Is Blind or Chocolate City is Blind, whatever. If you just want to massively masturbate for however long we’re in quarantine, do that. But take care of yourself when you do that. Make sure you pee after you masturbate. You need to. And be healthy and happy.
Thanks for getting wet with Puss and Kooch
You can follow LAUX’s work and stay updated on the publishing process on Facebook and Instagram. You can also visit her IndieGoGo page to buy a book or donate.
Tune in next week for an interview with international burlesque performer GiGi Holliday!
